The Patton-Brown Gittin Hitched Foul Weather Epic
The Patton-Brown Gittin Hitched Foul Weather Epic
Fletcher Paperweight Lydick capped off an epic day with a ferocious sprint and captured his first ever WBL win on the Patton-Brown Wedding Day Classic on 4 January 2014. Paperweight's scintillating burst of speed came after a perfectly executed lead-out from the Cuban Missile himself, fast man Frank Travieso. In fact, several sonic booms cracked through frozen air as the lance-head of the flying line was sprinting faster than the speed of sound. The Cuban Missile was at the helm with his young protégé in tow, and though Damien Show Stopper Dunn was hurtling forward and closing fast as the front group bore down on the finish line, Lydick sealed the deal and closed the door with an incredible display of raw power. Paperweight’s physiognomy might lead one to think that he’s destined to fly up mountain slopes but his victory on this day showed he is also built for speed. The first win for this 18 year old wunderkind is surely the first of many more to come.
Though conditions were inhospitable, with temperatures hovering around 29 degrees at takeoff, over 100 Zealots showed up to honor their fellow cycling soul mates, Morgan Patton and Thomas Brown, who were tying the knot later in the day but took the time to come out and play in the WBL before the Big Event. Many of the fastest folks on the globe were on hand to pay homage to these two stalwarts of the WBL and the fact that they could also take part in an epic misadventure too only meant more bang for their buck. However, the bang they bargained for ended up being a boom! John Murphy, Ally Staches, Phil Gaimon, Jen Whalen, Mary Zider, Cleve Blackwell, Pat Raines, Luke Keough, Jamie Bookwalter, Iona Parks, Oscar Clark, Joey Rosskopf, Frank Travieso, Jordan Heimer, Chris Chotas, Shane Kline, Andrew Smola and the Money Lender himself, Jeff Bishop, are just a few of the fast folks who were on hand with speed to burn. I’ve got scorch marks on my back to prove it.
Though the clouds were thick and the sky was a gunmetal gray, and even though the wind was whipping through our clothes like frozen knives, and even though the freezing temperatures were causing my timbers to shiver and my jelly rolls to quake, the mood was convivial. Seeing the jovial mood of the bunch reminded me of a laughing man who was about to face a firing squad. I scratched my aristocratic chin* and surmised that either this bunch of pedal-nabobs are tough as out of date beef jerky in a convenience store in Bowman or crazy as a mad hatter…or possibly both. But the group was determined, dedicated, driven and disciplined, and they desired to rip this ride out, freezing cold be damned. And brothers and sisters of the blacktop, they did. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve got scorch marks to prove it. (*An aristocratic chin is one that has, through a long and complicated series of inbreeding over multiple generations, been chiseled down to one long, protruding, banana-shaped knob that is attached to the bottom of one’s face just below the lips. Because of the catastrophic and cataclysmic results of multigenerational inbreeding among the royals, the word “’aristocrat” was used to describe what would be called simply the chin of an idiot.)
When the group hit the Final Attack Zone on Seagraves Mill Road, there were still close to 100 pedal-warriors in the front group. Seven miles later at the finish line, the front group would be reduced to about 30, only a handful of which had the strength in the mind and in the and the legs to even give it a go. The others were simply hanging on and praying for rain. Like me.
Ally the Hammer Staches was the first to break ranks and leave the safety of the herd and head out into the bluster. Though she was brought back after about a mile, her foray off the front caused consternation behind. When the chasers pressed the gas to close the gap, a large group tumbled out the rear and sailed away with the wind. As the group continued speeding towards Nowhere Road, the attacks continued unabated. And though nothing could claw free, there was fire burning in our thighs as we tamped down on our pedals trying to hang on. I may have already mentioned at this point I was hoping for Divine Intervention.
The group stayed in check heading up the Seagraves Hill but as the steersman turned right on Nowhere Road with three miles to go, things changed. The all-time total wins leader in the WBL, John My Name is Mayhem Murphy took the lead and turned on the turbo blasters. Mayhem hit Mach 7 as he flew down Nowhere Road at hypersonic speed. Gaps were opening in the line here, there and everywhere. If the long line of cyclists was a sentence it would have been dotted with more ellipses than words as empty spaces appeared up and down the road. Several small groups that had been detached in the frantic dash were digging into black, painful spaces in an effort to rejoin the front. And though a couple of groups did latch back on with the front group, pushing the number in the lead contingent up to about 30 with 1 k to go, many more were lopped off the rear and left for dead on the side of the road. It’s common knowledge that after an epic ride in the WBL, the vultures will feast.
When Murphy finally finished wreaking havoc on the packs’ legs he finally pulled over. In the ensuing brief interlude, Travieso and Lydick made their move. Travieso glided into position like a shark in shallow waters with his young pupil in tow. With almost 500 meters to go, Travieso ground the group to powder as churned up the asphalt at the front. Sparks flew from his heels they were moving so fast. (Is this the low sparks of high-heeled boys?) With 200 meters to go, Paperweight slid off Big Frank’s wheel and rotated his pedals with such speed that his legs looked like a film reel that had slipped off its tracks. But D Show Stopper Dunn, Scott Call Me Cash Morris and Sean Buttercups Philyaw were bearing down like fighter jets with radar lock. This sprint was one of the fastest ever recorded on the Nowhere Road finish (and if I haven’t mentioned, I’ve got scorch marks to prove it), and the front four looked bad to the bone as they hurtled to the line. The front ten blasted across the line within one second of each other with a couple dozen more not far behind. Hats off to Paperweight for one helluva, big daddy dog win.
Finish (Nowhere Road):
- 1) Fletcher Lydick: 10 pts.
- 2) D Dunn: 8 pts.
- 3) Scott Morris: 6 pts.
- 4) Sean Phlyaw: 4 pts.
- 5) Jason Bewley: 2 pts.
- 6) Liam Ainslie: 1 pt
- 7) Attack Point: Ally Staches: 1 pt.
- 8) Just Had a baby and rode: Iona Parks: 1 pt.
- 9) All: Foul Weather Point: 1 pt.
It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway), having Morgan and Thomas include the WBL on, and as part of, their own special day, made this WBL ride one of the sweetest on record. Instead of detracting from the ride, the foul weather only made the ride an “epic” and actually added to the incredible feeling of friendship and a shared community, so much so that it was making the air hum. If the amazing spirit of our group could be measured in watts, we could light up Athens for twelve nights and still have money to burn. So here’s to Morgan and Thomas, may your light always shine!
2014 Overall (4 January 2014):
- 1) 29 pts: M Patton
- 2) 29 pts: F Lydick
- 3) 24 pts: M Zider
- 4) 22 pts: D Dunn
- 5) 22 pts: S Morris
- 6) 21 pts: C England
- 6) 21 pts: J Bewley
- 7) 20 pts: M Carrelli
- 8) 20 pts: L Ainslie
- 9) 20 pts: S Philyaw
- 10) 20 pts: D Gabriel
- 11) 19 pts: B Lide
- 11) 19 pts: D England
- 12) 19 Pts: D Crowe
- 13) 19 pts: J Koch
- 14) 19 pts: D Mealor
- 15) 19 pts: T Mulkey
- 16) 19 pts: E Murphy
- 17) 19 pts: A Scarano
- 18) 19 pts: J Smith
- 19) 19 pts: C Tinsley
- 20) 19 pts: M Trivette
- 21) 19 pts: S Wrege
- 22) 18 Pts: E Cox
- 24) 16 pts: J Baynes
- 25) 16 pts: D Blalock
- 26) 16 pts: T Brown
- 27) 16 pts: B Bryant
- 28) 16 pts: O Clark
- 29) 16 pts: M Kanning
- 30) 16 pts: M Klein
- 31) 16 pts: S Parrish
- 32) 16 pts: A Smola
- 33) 16 pts: M York
- 34) 15 pts: O Quinn
- 34) 15 pts: D Ramos
- 35) 15 pts: H Garrison
- 36) 15 pts: J Heimer
- 37) 15 pts: D Jordan
- 38) 14 pts: A Gruber
- 39) 14 pts: F Travieso
- 40) 13 pts: J Campbell
- 41) 13 pts: F Crumley
- 42) 13 pts: S Rafal
- 43) 13 pts: R Wolfe
- 44) 12 pts: C Deluise
- 45) 12 pts: D Hurst
- 46) 11 pts: E Caldwell
- 47) 11 pts: C Vogely
- 48) 11 pts: R Foster
- 49) 11 pts: M Lipold
- 50) 11 pts: H Nash
- 51) 11 pts: J Rosskopf
- 52) 10 pts: J Gruber
